I recently celebrated 1 year of full time living on the Struggle Bus. This year has taught me many things, including one major lesson of you’re not done growing yet. Which I’ve come to find out that can be pretty dang uncomfortable, but, with a tweak in perspective can be exciting and just might take you where you need to go.

About two and a half years ago, my boyfriend and I bought a school bus. On the weekends, we gutted and converted it to a home-on-wheels, with no real destination in mind. It took me a while to feel comfortable enough to leave my full-time job as a clinical Registered Dietitian. But eventually, enough was enough- I wanted out of my apartment, out of my 9-5, and head to a direction that felt more aligned with my values.

For me trying to plan life (BTW I am WAY off the path from what my 18-year-old self had lined up) takes away from just living it. Not to say having goals is a bad thing, but attempting to have a scheduled life can stop you from seeing opportunities right in front of you. Veering off the path that was my life a couple of years ago has brought me invaluable experiences, memories, and some truly wonderful people into my life.

I’ve also come to realize the power of feeling crappy. I’ve never made a change in my life because everything felt perfectly warm and fuzzy. Instead, I realize change usually comes from frustration, anger, and sadness. I know, those painful feelings that we tend to avoid at all costs. For me, shifting my perspective of negative feelings has allowed me to sit with them, instead of looking for a distraction. Now I ask myself “what do I need”? Sometimes it’s obvious, other times not so much. For example, my complete meltdown putting my comforter into its duvet cover made me realize it was time to leave my 9-5 job.

Understanding that inspiration to grow as a person comes from uncomfortable feelings- has made it easier to acknowledge and accept them, allowing me to get to the root of the problem and do something about it. It feels powerful to respond to these cues with curiosity and not defensiveness.

The recent tragic events have hit me that same kind of way. Upon investigation, it became clear what I was feeling on top of sadness- was disappointment. I am disappointed that I had been focused on the life-thief that is diet culture, while not digging further to its racial roots. I was in awe of the big names in the intuitive eating world that speak about social (in)justice. It was something that I aspired to be a part of- but I hadn’t taken any action to get there.

This year has solidified my passion for self-development with an equal focus on self-care and preservation. I show up the best for others when I prioritize my own needs. I show up best for myself when I prioritize my needs. I can’t fight for equality, a clean earth, or the anti-diet message if I’m not taking care of myself first.

A lot of these rambling thoughts parallel the work I do with intuitive eating clients. Because healing your relationship with food & body, also helps further the connection within yourself. Showing yourself compassion can be the beginning of real meaningful growth. You and I are just not done growing yet and thank goodness for that! That means we are human, ever-evolving, not robots with programmed targets. Each day I am trying to choose the path towards growth- though sometimes messy and hard- it is always worth it.

I’m not sure what is next. And that feels weird. And that’s okay.